Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
