So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize