Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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