my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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