It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
