3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
