i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
