I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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