i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
