someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
