I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize