i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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