i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize