I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
