if only i could text you this smell
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
