My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
