Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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