Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
