I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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