We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
