and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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