I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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