Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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