Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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