About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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