i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
