If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
