I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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