dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
