i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
