I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
