nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
