im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
