1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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