I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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