Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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