My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
