Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
