I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
