the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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