I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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