new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
