Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
