Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pants are for mortals
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
