How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
