Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I need moral support for this bender
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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