final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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