these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
