these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
