Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
