I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
