The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
