You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
