he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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