your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
