Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
