why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize