why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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